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What Role Does Resilience Play in Bullying?

Man walking through rain with umbrella

Is Bullying Getting Worse?

While on tour, I was recently interviewed by a Nebraska news station. I’ve been interviewed by TV news stations before. They all usually ask the same questions: Why did you start doing this? How is your message different than the normal “anti-bullying” messages, etc. But, this reporter asked me a question that almost stumped me. I had to think for a second before I gave my response. 

“You talk a lot about your story and what you went through as a kid. Do you think there is more bullying now than there was 20 years ago?”

My first thought was, “Of course. That’s why I’m out here doing what I’m doing.” Luckily for me, marriage has taught me to have a filter between my initial thoughts and actually speaking. So I thought for a moment.

Why is Resilience Important?

I imagine that my brain during this brief second would have looked like this: The hamster waking up like a lethargic teenager, flipping on the coffee, pouring a cup, taking a sip, getting on the wheel, walking around the wheel, which slowly beings turning the gears, jogging the memories of as many experiences as I can recall. It was almost like finally getting your old VCR to work and then having to adjust the tracking to get those annoying silver lines off of the screen. But, after everything was running properly, I was watching a lightning fast movie of the last 20 years of my student life, teaching experiences in the classroom and my travels to schools all over this country. After reviewing all of the footage in my head, here was my response:

Is bullying the same as it was 20 years ago?

I don’t think so. There have always been mean kids and mean people. There has always been teasing, name-calling, mean jokes, pushing and shoving, rumors and exclusion. We see those things today just like we saw them on the playground and in the hallways growing up. Some kids do it and some kids don’t. So no, I don’t think there’s more bullying. However, the climate is different now. I have found that people are less resilient nowadays. Kids are reporting mean behavior more than ever before because they don’t know how to handle it properly. So, with the decrease in resilience and the increase in reporting, it seems like there is more, but based on my experience and in my opinion, there is not.

A very wise and wealthy man once told me that, as long as you preface something with “in my opinion” or “based on my experience”, you can say almost anything you want. I get what he meant. My statement was a bold one. Some may even say that they disagree, and they have a right to. That’s fine. But, again, based on my experience and in my opinion, I do not think there has been an increase in bullying.

At this, many will shout, “But, then why do we hear about all of these kids who are killing themselves and others because of bullying?! It seems like it’s getting worse!”

I agree. It does seem like that, absolutely. But, consider that first question: “Why do we hear about…?” One word: Media. I’m not saying I’m anti-media. Let’s not play politics. But, I will say that the media (on both sides) does a great job of somehow leaving out a great deal of positive news and focusing on the negative that gets people’s attention. If it bleeds, it reads. The reason you hear so much about bullying and its consequences is because that’s all you’re fed. That’s all that is put out there. Rarely do we hear about the millions of kind acts that happen on a daily basis in schools all over the country. Rarely do we ever hear about all of the resilient kids who are not effected by mean behavior. Nope. We only hear about the ONE kid that decided to make a horrible decision because of the negativity in their life.

I’m not downplaying it by any means. Yes, it is a shame that these things happen. But, because that’s all we hear about, and with the way people tend to think, one single negative bullying story automatically turns millions of people into social-emotional experts with a Ph.D. in bullying.

Is a lack of resilience feeding the bullying problem?

So, yes, it does seem like there is more bullying. But, are we doing it to ourselves? Kind of. Think about it. (I’ll elaborate more on this point in my forthcoming book, The Big, Bad “B” Word.) If you look at how the definition of “bullying” has been packaged lately, plus what kids are generally being taught in school about how to handle mean behavior, plus a decrease in people’s resilience, plus the lack of training that teachers and staff actually get on the subject, you have a recipe for disaster.

Kids are believing that any mean behavior is “bullying.” (Including something as small as sticking their tongue out and making faces.) Kids are told to report any and all mean behavior. So, they do! And now, they’re reporting it at a rate that has never been seen before.

The lack of resilience in people everywhere is astounding. All you have to do is turn on the TV for two minutes and it becomes evident that people (adults and children alike) are offended much easier than ever before. Unfortunately, that is spilling over into our children and in our schools. They don’t know how to handle the negativity of life, including the mean behavior of others. (Obviously, I’m not talking about everyone, but everyone can think of at least one person who fits this profile.)

The result? All of the mean behaviors are taken personally, blown up and documented as bullying incidents. So, it’s easy to think that things are getting worse.

But, don’t freak out. I can’t tell you how many teachers, counselors and administration that I have talked to that have all told me the same thing in more or less words: “There is no bullying problem. There’s a resilience problem.” Resilient kids are bully-proof.

There have always been mean people. There will always be mean people. Not everyone. Not everywhere. Not every time. But, there will always be that one person. How do you win?

Resilience.

About the Author: Chris Scheufele is one of the most sought-after youth speakers in the United States. He’s a comedian with a license to teach. With more than a decade in the classroom, Chris has developed clever interventions that resolve conflicts instantly and promote a culture of resilience.  He makes social emotional learning fun! His entertaining and educational programs have been recognized by educators nationwide, and have earned him several awards including “Teacher Of The Year”.

Are Schools Bullying Policies Effective?

Binder labeled "Protocols"

Is school bullying protocol always the correct thing to follow?

Protocol noun pro·to·col \\\\\\\\ ˈprō-tə-ˌkȯl , -ˌkōl , -ˌkäl , -kəl \\\\\\\\: a : a code prescribing strict adherence to correct etiquette and procedure

Is protocol always the correct thing to follow? In most cases, yes. But in some cases, I think a case can be made that it’s ok to stretch the following of protocol. A conversation with a guidance counselor a while back proved this. She was telling me about a student that had been the victim of targeted aggression (bullying) and how furious the student’s mother was that the school wasn’t doing anything. (Typical parent response, by the way.) Here’s the convo: 

Me: What did you do? What action did the school take? 

Guidance Counselor (GC): We called the alleged offenders into the office and interviewed them. We reminded them about our school’s bullying policy and gave them each one day of in-school-suspension.

Me: Did that work? 

GC: No. It just created more animosity between all those kiddos involved. And, on top of that, now the ones who got in trouble hate me. They’re supposed to trust me as their counselor.

Me: What did they say when you interviewed them? 

GC: The usual. “We were just kidding.” “We didn’t mean it.” “{Victimized student} did stuff to us first.” It’s so hard to pin down what’s true and what’s not. 

Me: Did you do anything to help the victimized student? 

GC: I gave her some tips. I told her she didn’t have to take the insults to heart. I even role played with her on how to interact with those other kids if they give her trouble again. I showed her how her reactions were actually making things worse. I showed her how resilience and a little respect could go a long way, even in the face of those who hate her. 

Me: Is that part of the school’s bullying policy protocol? 

GC: No. The protocol just pretty much focuses on getting the bully to stop being mean and reprimanding the poor behavior. But, Chris, I could not, in good conscience, just handle one side of the equation. These kids just don’t know how to handle adversity. 

 

Girl speaking with counselor

Me: Why do you think that is? 

GC: Honestly? Because they’re not being taught. The focus of schools is punishing the offender and we’re leaving the victims out to dry. They need to be taught how to properly handle themselves in bad situations. And what’s worse, Chris, is that we tell them to run and tell an adult, but many adults are just as clueless as to how to actually help them. 

Me: So why was the student’s mother so furious?

GC: Because the usual solutions weren’t working to solve the problem. The mindset of everyone is all about stopping mean behavior, but they don’t talk about the fact that there will always be mean people and that the most important thing is to teach kids how to deal with those difficult people. Resilience isn’t anymore – parents aren’t teaching resilience anymore – and these kids are suffering because of it. They get their feelings hurt at the smallest things. Somebody’s got to teach them. Somebody’s got to help them.

Me: What did you do? What action did the school take? 

Guidance Counselor (GC): We called the alleged offenders into the office and interviewed them. We reminded them about our school’s bullying policy and gave them each one day of in-school-suspension.

Me: Did that work? 

GC: No. It just created more animosity between all those kiddos involved. And, on top of that, now the ones who got in trouble hate me. They’re supposed to trust me as their counselor.

Me: What did they say when you interviewed them? 

GC: The usual. “We were just kidding.” “We didn’t mean it.” “{Victimized student} did stuff to us first.” It’s so hard to pin down what’s true and what’s not. 

Me: Did you do anything to help the victimized student? 

GC: I gave her some tips. I told her she didn’t have to take the insults to heart. I even role played with her on how to interact with those other kids if they give her trouble again. I showed her how her reactions were actually making things worse. I showed her how resilience and a little respect could go a long way, even in the face of those who hate her.

Me: Why do you think that is? 

GC: Honestly? Because they’re not being taught. The focus of schools is punishing the offender and we’re leaving the victims out to dry. They need to be taught how to properly handle themselves in bad situations. And what’s worse, Chris, is that we tell them to run and tell an adult, but many adults are just as clueless as to how to actually help them. 

Me: So why was the student’s mother so furious?

GC: Because the usual solutions weren’t working to solve the problem. The mindset of everyone is all about stopping mean behavior, but they don’t talk about the fact that there will always be mean people and that the most important thing is to teach kids how to deal with those difficult people. Resilience isn’t anymore – parents aren’t teaching resilience anymore – and these kids are suffering because of it. They get their feelings hurt at the smallest things. Somebody’s got to teach them. Somebody’s got to help them.

Me: Why doesn’t the school do more for resilience, social emotional learning and how to help students deal with conflict? 

GC: I wish I knew. But, they are missing the obvious solution right in front of their faces. These policies are written by people who have little to no experience with kids, or who have been removed from the classroom environment for so long they have forgotten what kids need. They’re more worried about test scores and staying out of the news than anything else. But they’re missing the point that a kiddo can’t perform well on a test if they are having trouble dealing with their social emotional issues. 

Me: Have you gotten any backlash for your methods? 

GC: No. And honestly, I wouldn’t care if I did because I know I’m doing what’s best for the kiddos. I’m filling in the gaps where protocol is majorly lacking.

What happened to the targeted student?

This counselor knew that the standard bullying protocol was missing something. She knew what was right for her students; which is what she gets underpaid for, right? 

So what happened to the targeted student? She learned coping skills. She learned how to respond to her haters rather than react. Her haters saw that she wasn’t affected by their insults anymore. Mom isn’t furious, in fact she’s happy that the school finally did something right. 

The counselor? Just another day at the office. But thank goodness she took it upon herself to go above and beyond and teach the student psychologically proven methods; methods that the school overlooked in favor of a failing zero tolerance, discipline-only policy that leaves victims searching for answers and wondering who cares and who is listening. 

Sometimes we need to just say, “Protocol…shmotocol.”

About the Author: Chris Scheufele is one of the most sought-after youth speakers in the United States. He’s a comedian with a license to teach. With more than a decade in the classroom, Chris has developed clever interventions that resolve conflicts instantly and promote a culture of resilience.  He makes social emotional learning fun! His entertaining and educational programs have been recognized by educators nationwide, and have earned him several awards including “Teacher Of The Year”.

I Dare You

A Small Gesture Can Make A Big Impact

If there’s one restaurant I don’t visit enough, it’s Cracker Barrel. There’s just something about it that I love. Ok…there’s quite a few things about Cracker Barrel that I love. The family atmosphere. The old country vibe. That addicting, yet frustrating, golf tee game. And, of course, the food. It had been quite a few years since I visited a Cracker Barrel until I visited the quaint little town of Cumberland, Maryland. I forgot how much food you get for your money. I got the sampler platter: sugar cured ham, chicken and dumplings, roast beef, broccoli, a sweet potato, fruit cup, and corn bread. Shoof, did you eat it all? Welp, for some reason, running my mouth for a living makes me hungry, so…yes. I absolutely D-E-S-T-R-O-Y-E-D every last bite of that amazing meal. No, this isn’t an advertisement for Cracker Barrel and I’m sorry if it’s making you hungry. So, before my dad loses his mind with my seemingly mindless rant about home cookin’, let me pivot to get to my point.

The Impact of Connecting with Others

While I was sitting in the restaurant eating, I looked up and saw a lady who was also eating by herself. She appeared to be in her early 60’s, a slightly stout with neatly-styled, short, curly hair. She was wearing a jacket over a blue nurse’s scrub shirt with cute little multi-colored squiggles. We caught each other’s eyes once or twice, but we both played it off as the old, “Oh, I’m just looking around the room.” I’ve always kind of felt bad for people who eat alone in restaurants. You just never know their stories, but I’m always so curious as to what their stories are. Are they there on business? Are they alone all the time? Are they ok with eating alone? 

As I finished my food, the apparent nurse was in the middle of her meal. I grabbed my sweet berry iced tea and my check, got up and walked over to her table. “Excuse me,” I said. “Do you mind if I sit down for a minute?” Taken aback, she held her hand up to her mouth to hid her chewing and mumbled, “Sure, I don’t care.” I sat down and said, “I don’t know what it is, but I hate to see people eat alone.” She smiled. “What’s your name?” I asked. “Nancy.” “Nancy, I’m Chris. Nice to meet you.” We shook hands. For the next 5 minutes or so, I learned that Nancy is a home health nurse who has moved from Maryland to Virginia and back over the last number of years. For so long, she was a nurse in a cancer wing of a hospital and loved it, but she got burned out after doing it for so long. So she became a home health nurse in the latter years of her career. We had a great conversation. She was such a sweet lady. I didn’t want to overstay my welcome, so after chatting for a few minutes, I let her finish her meal in peace.

Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone

I want to challenge you to do something. Actually, no. I dare you. Next time you are in a restaurant, alone or with others, and you see someone sitting alone, either invite them to sit with you, or go sit with them. I dare you. It doesn’t have to be for the whole meal. It can be. Either way, just let them know that they are noticed. I dare you. Everyone has a story. Find out theirs. I dare you. If they don’t want company, it’s ok. But, just ask. I dare you. Get out of your comfort zone. I dare you. You never know what that little gesture will do for someone. I dare you.

About the Author: Chris Scheufele is one of the most sought-after youth speakers in the United States. He’s a comedian with a license to teach. With more than a decade in the classroom, Chris has developed clever interventions that resolve conflicts instantly and promote a culture of resilience.  He makes social emotional learning fun! His entertaining and educational programs have been recognized by educators nationwide, and have earned him several awards including “Teacher Of The Year”.

How to Stop Sibling Rivalry

How to End Sibling Rivalry

by Jeff Veley | Love Changes It All

Often we think that issues, such as bullying, take place most often at school.  The truth is that the majority of these conflicts occur at home, between siblings.  If you are a parent with more than one child, I’m sure it’s not difficult to picture a time when your kids were fighting.  Why is this?

As humans, we are wired to dominate.  While our world has gone through many changes and become civilized over the years, our bodies and minds have gone through very little change.  Each of us still possesses the desire to rise of above others, dominate, win, achieve, and attempt to alter situations so that we can get our way.  It is only natural, in this process of trying to get to the top, that we will encounter conflicts with others.

The home is the perfect place for conflict.  Whether it’s fighting over the remote, choosing who gets to pick the restaurant for dinner, or who gets to ride shotgun, siblings can easily find situations where they want to dominate, creating conflict.  As a parent you have several ways in which you can respond to conflict.  I will focus on two with you.  As you look at these responses, as yourself which response is your “go to”.

When my kids have a conflict, I tend to…

A. Get involved and try to stop the fighting.

B. Don’t get involved and allow them to work it out on their own.

Let’s take a look at the intentions and the consequences of each response.

A. Get involved and try to stop the fighting.

INTENTION:

  • Teach your children that it is not okay to fight
  • Teach your kids how to share and compromise with one another.
  • To create a “fair” environment where each child has a turn
  • Show your children that you are there to help them solve their social problems
  • Maintain order and peace within your home
  • Simplify the situation, solve the conflict quickly, and move on

CONSEQUENCE:

  • It puts you in the middle or a situation that often doesn’t have a clear “wrong” or “right” response, forcing you to choose between your children
  • Positions you become the rope in the tug of war for power and approval
  • Forces your children to continue fighting for their way in order to convince you that they are correct, therefore giving fuel to their emotions and cementing their viewpoint/position
  • Places you in a defensive (weaker) position where you are forced to justify your final decision or risk relationship with one child or perhaps both
  • Teaches your kids that they should go to you to solve their social problems rather than solving it themselves
  • Adds a third person into the conflict/argument rather than just the two, creating a triangle of communication
  • Positions you as an ever-ready referee and judge, when conflict arises.

Now let’s look at the other response…

B. Don’t get involved and allow them to work it out on their own.

INTENTION:

  • You want your children to learn how to solve their own problems
  • You don’t want to spend your time breaking up simple squabbles but would rather only be involved when there is a serious issue that your children cannot solve for them self.

CONSEQUENCE:

  • Siblings learn that they must work out their differences and solve their own problems
  • Kids develop resilience while learning social and emotional coping skills
  • It doesn’t “cost” you any points in the relationship.  Rather than choosing a side, you are seen as supporting both children equally.  Your children learn that you are always there to advise them on how solve the conflict but you leave the actual working it out to them.
  • It prepares them to solve more complex problems on their own later in life
  • They find that mom and dad are there to help them but will not always intervene
  • It positions you as an ever-ready coach and counselor.

To summarize, my advice is this… When conflict arises between your kids, only get involved as a coach and counselor, never a referee. Only step in and enforce if your child’s actions cause objective harm (physical harm to objects or people).  By equipping your child with social and emotional coping skills and empowering them to solve their own social problems, you will help them face adversity, grow in resilience, and prepare to solve their own social problems both in and outside of the home.  When you do that, you will truly teach your kids how to be strong.