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Are Schools Bullying Policies Effective?

Binder labeled "Protocols"

Is school bullying protocol always the correct thing to follow?

Protocol noun pro·to·col \\\\\\\\ ˈprō-tə-ˌkȯl , -ˌkōl , -ˌkäl , -kəl \\\\\\\\: a : a code prescribing strict adherence to correct etiquette and procedure

Is protocol always the correct thing to follow? In most cases, yes. But in some cases, I think a case can be made that it’s ok to stretch the following of protocol. A conversation with a guidance counselor a while back proved this. She was telling me about a student that had been the victim of targeted aggression (bullying) and how furious the student’s mother was that the school wasn’t doing anything. (Typical parent response, by the way.) Here’s the convo: 

Me: What did you do? What action did the school take? 

Guidance Counselor (GC): We called the alleged offenders into the office and interviewed them. We reminded them about our school’s bullying policy and gave them each one day of in-school-suspension.

Me: Did that work? 

GC: No. It just created more animosity between all those kiddos involved. And, on top of that, now the ones who got in trouble hate me. They’re supposed to trust me as their counselor.

Me: What did they say when you interviewed them? 

GC: The usual. “We were just kidding.” “We didn’t mean it.” “{Victimized student} did stuff to us first.” It’s so hard to pin down what’s true and what’s not. 

Me: Did you do anything to help the victimized student? 

GC: I gave her some tips. I told her she didn’t have to take the insults to heart. I even role played with her on how to interact with those other kids if they give her trouble again. I showed her how her reactions were actually making things worse. I showed her how resilience and a little respect could go a long way, even in the face of those who hate her. 

Me: Is that part of the school’s bullying policy protocol? 

GC: No. The protocol just pretty much focuses on getting the bully to stop being mean and reprimanding the poor behavior. But, Chris, I could not, in good conscience, just handle one side of the equation. These kids just don’t know how to handle adversity. 

 

Girl speaking with counselor

Me: Why do you think that is? 

GC: Honestly? Because they’re not being taught. The focus of schools is punishing the offender and we’re leaving the victims out to dry. They need to be taught how to properly handle themselves in bad situations. And what’s worse, Chris, is that we tell them to run and tell an adult, but many adults are just as clueless as to how to actually help them. 

Me: So why was the student’s mother so furious?

GC: Because the usual solutions weren’t working to solve the problem. The mindset of everyone is all about stopping mean behavior, but they don’t talk about the fact that there will always be mean people and that the most important thing is to teach kids how to deal with those difficult people. Resilience isn’t anymore – parents aren’t teaching resilience anymore – and these kids are suffering because of it. They get their feelings hurt at the smallest things. Somebody’s got to teach them. Somebody’s got to help them.

Me: What did you do? What action did the school take? 

Guidance Counselor (GC): We called the alleged offenders into the office and interviewed them. We reminded them about our school’s bullying policy and gave them each one day of in-school-suspension.

Me: Did that work? 

GC: No. It just created more animosity between all those kiddos involved. And, on top of that, now the ones who got in trouble hate me. They’re supposed to trust me as their counselor.

Me: What did they say when you interviewed them? 

GC: The usual. “We were just kidding.” “We didn’t mean it.” “{Victimized student} did stuff to us first.” It’s so hard to pin down what’s true and what’s not. 

Me: Did you do anything to help the victimized student? 

GC: I gave her some tips. I told her she didn’t have to take the insults to heart. I even role played with her on how to interact with those other kids if they give her trouble again. I showed her how her reactions were actually making things worse. I showed her how resilience and a little respect could go a long way, even in the face of those who hate her.

Me: Why do you think that is? 

GC: Honestly? Because they’re not being taught. The focus of schools is punishing the offender and we’re leaving the victims out to dry. They need to be taught how to properly handle themselves in bad situations. And what’s worse, Chris, is that we tell them to run and tell an adult, but many adults are just as clueless as to how to actually help them. 

Me: So why was the student’s mother so furious?

GC: Because the usual solutions weren’t working to solve the problem. The mindset of everyone is all about stopping mean behavior, but they don’t talk about the fact that there will always be mean people and that the most important thing is to teach kids how to deal with those difficult people. Resilience isn’t anymore – parents aren’t teaching resilience anymore – and these kids are suffering because of it. They get their feelings hurt at the smallest things. Somebody’s got to teach them. Somebody’s got to help them.

Me: Why doesn’t the school do more for resilience, social emotional learning and how to help students deal with conflict? 

GC: I wish I knew. But, they are missing the obvious solution right in front of their faces. These policies are written by people who have little to no experience with kids, or who have been removed from the classroom environment for so long they have forgotten what kids need. They’re more worried about test scores and staying out of the news than anything else. But they’re missing the point that a kiddo can’t perform well on a test if they are having trouble dealing with their social emotional issues. 

Me: Have you gotten any backlash for your methods? 

GC: No. And honestly, I wouldn’t care if I did because I know I’m doing what’s best for the kiddos. I’m filling in the gaps where protocol is majorly lacking.

What happened to the targeted student?

This counselor knew that the standard bullying protocol was missing something. She knew what was right for her students; which is what she gets underpaid for, right? 

So what happened to the targeted student? She learned coping skills. She learned how to respond to her haters rather than react. Her haters saw that she wasn’t affected by their insults anymore. Mom isn’t furious, in fact she’s happy that the school finally did something right. 

The counselor? Just another day at the office. But thank goodness she took it upon herself to go above and beyond and teach the student psychologically proven methods; methods that the school overlooked in favor of a failing zero tolerance, discipline-only policy that leaves victims searching for answers and wondering who cares and who is listening. 

Sometimes we need to just say, “Protocol…shmotocol.”

About the Author: Chris Scheufele is one of the most sought-after youth speakers in the United States. He’s a comedian with a license to teach. With more than a decade in the classroom, Chris has developed clever interventions that resolve conflicts instantly and promote a culture of resilience.  He makes social emotional learning fun! His entertaining and educational programs have been recognized by educators nationwide, and have earned him several awards including “Teacher Of The Year”.

Setting High Expectations for Kids

Setting Standards by Example

My palms were sweating. My toes scrunched up in my shoes. My thoughts were racing. “How does my hair look? Is my tie straight? Do I have any lint on my sport coat?” I hadn’t been on a date since before I was married, and I didn’t want to mess it up. I wanted things to be just right. 

As I got out of my car and walked to the door, I was fighting the urge of picturing how she was going to look. I knew that no matter what I pictured in my mind’s eye, it wouldn’t even come close. Once I stepped up on the porch, I opened the screen door and knocked on the front door. Quickly, I looked at my reflection in the glass one more time to make sure that I looked up to par. 

The door opened and standing there was not what I had expected at all. A young boy, 4 years old with a backwards hat and sunglasses, met my gaze. He fought back giggles as he said, “What do you want, punk?” I thought to myself, “I like this kid a lot.” 

His mother let me in and I stood in the living room waiting. She called for my date. I began to hear shoes clunking across the hardwood floor, making their way towards the room. I looked up and saw the most beautiful young lady. 

Her blonde hair was laying gently just above her shoulders with some curls and a white bow in the back. Her purple dress was nicely accented by a little black sweater. And her smile… While it was missing some teeth at the time, I melted. (What do you expect? She was 7.) I put a flower corsage on her wrist and asked if she was ready for our date. We posed for some pictures and off we went.

The Importance of Intentional Time with our Kids

When I became a dad, I knew that I wanted my kids to be as ready as possible for life. I think every parent wants to make sure that their kids grow up and marry someone who is respectable, loving, responsible and has shared values. The best way I know to accomplish this is to teach them how to date. I wish I could take credit for this idea, but, alas, I can’t. However, I decided to make it my own and run with it. 

When my oldest daughter turned 7, I felt she was ready. So, on her birthday, I took her on our first daddy-daughter date. I treated her like a princess. We got all dressed up. I let her pick the restaurant. I paid. I opened doors for her. I pulled chairs out and pushed them in when she sat down. I gave her a wrist corsage. I complimented her. I made sure she saw, experienced, and understood what a date should be like. I made sure she knew what it was like to be respected by someone who was trying to win her heart. 

After dinner, we took an aimless drive around town. I used that time to ask her things like, “What kind of dad am I? If you could change anything about me, what would it be? What’s your favorite part about being a big sister?” 

We had an amazing night. And you know what? I did it again this year when she turned 8. In fact, as her birthday neared, she must have asked me 100 times if we were going on another date. So, you better believe we did. And I’m going to continue to do it every single year until she gets married…when she’s 40. And I’m going to do it with her baby sister, too, when she’s old enough. And my wife is going to take our son on dates when he is old enough, as well. 

Why? 

There’s an ancient Jewish proverb that says, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” There’s a reason that proverb has survived for thousands of years. 

 

The importance of good examples for our kids

 My advice – take it or leave it – Dads, date your daughters. Moms, date your sons. Set that bar so high that only the right person will ever stand a chance with them. If there’s an absent male parental figure in your daughter’s life, find one to date her. An uncle, a grandfather, a close friend. Get a trusted, positive male role model to make this important tradition happen. If there’s an absent female parental figure in your son’s life, find one to date him. An aunt, a grandmother, a close friend. Get a trusted, positive female role model to make this important tradition happen. Train up your children in the way they should go. Teach them early and often. Engrain it. Instill it. Have fun with it. They won’t forget it, and they won’t depart from it.

About the Author: Chris Scheufele is one of the most sought-after youth speakers in the United States. He’s a comedian with a license to teach. With more than a decade in the classroom, Chris has developed clever interventions that resolve conflicts instantly and promote a culture of resilience.  He makes social emotional learning fun! His entertaining and educational programs have been recognized by educators nationwide, and have earned him several awards including “Teacher Of The Year”.

How to Make Friends

I was grocery shopping with my daughter recently. She loves to help me pick out fruit. Well, actually, she likes to tear the plastic produce bags off of the roll and shake them violently so they open up and float through the air. Then, she wants to tie them with the little green twisty ties. Me, I’m a guy. What do I do? I hold the bag up, spin it as fast as I can, and tuck it under the fruit as I set it in the cart. After we finished our trip around the store, we made our way to the register to check out. As usual, my daughter helped put all of the items on the belt and then waited patiently at the bagging area for a sticker. The cashier told me the total, I paid, loaded my bags into the cart and turned to get my receipt. She told me the amount I had “saved” and thanked me for shopping at the store. I took the receipt from her, smiled and said, “Thank you, my friend.” As we were walking away, my daughter asked, “Daddy? Is that girl your friend?” “No,” I chuckled. “Then why did you call her your friend?” 

How do you address people?

How do you address people? Ma’am? Sir? Dude? I don’t mean your family or close friends. I call my close friends things like dude, bro, chica, and more familiar terms. I’m talking about strangers or acquaintances. How do you address them? 

The more I deal with people – strangers and acquaintances – the more I find that how you address them right off the bat determines how they treat you from then on. 

It’s the most basic form of the GOLDEN RULE in real life practice! And I know we all know the Golden Rule: Treat others the way you want to be treated.

Girl and boy shaking hands

Friend or Enemy?

It’s obvious that nobody wants more enemies, so treat them like a friend. Whenever we meet someone new, it’s normal to say hello, exchange pleasantries, and drop a “ma’am” or “sir.” But consider this. At some point in every conversation, I address everyone as “friend.” Old, young, rich, poor…it doesn’t matter. I want everyone to know that I want to be friendly toward them. Sure my actions, other words and tone show it, but it goes deeper than that. It surprises them. It takes them off guard. It’s not the norm.

When I take that brief second and call them a friend, it psychologically and subconsciously works as well…in my favor! Deep down they know that I’m friendly. Deep down they know that I will treat them like a friend. Which means that deep down they are going to be friendly toward me, too. 

Every time I call someone “friend,” the next interaction is always positive. I’ve actually created many great, lasting friendships that way, all starting from addressing someone with a single word. 

What’s your address, friend?

Overcoming the Back-to-School Blues

Tip for Preparing At-Home Learners

For many students, heading back to school this year looks very different than in the past.  As a parent, it can be hard to know how to get your student excited for at-home learning.  Here are a few things you can do to help them look forward to learning this year.

Buy Some School Swag

While they may not be walking the halls, picking up few new shirts and a fresh haircut can help your child feel confident.

Child taking notes laptop

Create a Flexible Work Space

Many adults use sit/stand desks and add movement during their work day.  This is even more important for children.  Select a workspace where your child has some room to stand up and move.

Be sure to encourage good posture.  Propping up a device on a stack of books or a laptop stand can really help.

Personalize the School Area

The nice thing about at-home learning is the ability to decorate your space.  Let your child pick out a spot where they are comfortable.  Then, work together to decorate.

Create a Virtual Background

Platforms such as ZOOM allow you to use virtual background.  If allowed by your child’s school, create a fun background on a platform, like Canva.

If you have a younger child, they may want their favorite things in the background (maybe even something they create online).  Middle and high school students are more likely to display something from a video game, a quote that they’re passionate about, or art that inspires them.

Get Some Fidget Toys

It may be hard for your child to stay engaged during virtual learning.  Having some fidget toys can help them release energy while still focusing on their teacher.

If your child is getting restless, try a scribble pad and crayons, a stress ball, or silly putty.  For children that struggle with aggression, lavender hand lotion is a great way for them to self-soothe and calm their emotions.

Schedule & Prioritize Outdoor Time

The COVID-19 pandemic means a lot of us are staying inside and increasing time on our devices.  This is unhealthy, especially for our kids.  Schedule regular recess and other outdoor playtimes.  Outdoor activity will help your child get the fresh air and Vitamin D from the sun.  Both are great for physical and mental health.

Structure Snack & Lunch Times

Many kids try to grab extra snacks while at home.  This can lead to unhealthy eating patterns.  Additionally, eating the wrong foods can dramatically effect your child’s attention and moods.

Plan set times for meals and snacks.  It’s helpful to let your child pick out foods on grocery trips.  You may need to give them some healthy options to choose from.

Keep a Regular Bed Time

Proper and regular sleep is essential for kids and especially teenagers.  Have a set wind-down routine in the evening and get ready routine in the morning.  Ensuring that your child keeps this routine will increase the likelihood that they will be prepared for learning and form good habits.

Crisis Hotlines Report 1000% Increase in Calls During COVID

As Americans struggle to cope during quarantine, crisis hotlines are reporting a 1000% increase in calls for help.  The Crisis Text Line, has grown in popularity, especially among teens.  It’s website currently has a pop-up message that says “Social Distancing may be lonely, but you’re not alone”.  That’s a message that it seems we all need to hear.

It’s important to remember that, no matter how challenging your situation may be, there’s always someone willing to talk.  If you need help, reach out to someone below.  If you prefer not to share your name, you can speak with them anonymously.

Need to Talk?

These organizations can help.

How to Stop People Who Want to Hurt You

Simple Solutions to Stop Aggression

An often misunderstood form of aggression is “joking” behavior.  Over time, a simple insult can grow into days or even years of comedic insults that drive kids crazy!

The following article is based on the SQUABBLES® Theory of Aggression & the Peace Sign Approach to stop bullying.  Understand that the advice below is for those that try to hurt your feelings.  If someone tries to hurt you physically it’s important to defend yourself, get away, and contact the authorities.  Most aggression, though starts with a simply squabble that kids can learn to solve on their own.

 

Why do People Hurt squabbles hurting emojiOthers?

Often people that hurt others feel hurt themselves. They feel like a victim.  It may have nothing to do with you or they could have a reason for feeling hurt by you.  Maybe you did something or said something.  If you did, don’t be surprised when they act out and try to get even.

Hurting people when you’re hurt for some reason makes one believe that it will ease their pain. But two wrongs never make a right.   Instead of retaliating, take a moment to ask “Are you mad at me?.”  This lets you know if you may be a part of the problem.

How to Stop a Fight

Recently, I was on a flight to Orlando.  It was a full plane, and the last seat left was the middle seat right beside me.  As we got ready to leave, I I saw this man walking down the aisle. This man did not look like he was having the best day. In fact, he looked terrible!  His hair was disheveled, clothes were thrown together. The man just looked out of sorts, and angry on top of that.

As I watch the man walk towards me, he becomes very upset when he realizes the middle seat next to me is the only one left.  He tries ordering me to move to the center with a loud voice.  When I kindly offer him the middle seat instead, he steps towards me and tries to start a fight.

Next he steps right up to my face, like he is going to punch me and begins yelling.  Instead of fighting, I listened to what he was saying. It became obvious that I was dealing with a victim.

As the discussion progressed, I agreed that no one like a middle seat and that it has to be frustrating to know that they almost left without him.  I told him I was sorry that he was having such a hard day.  The key was to listen, empathize, and apologize.

Instead of escalating the situation, I helped him with his bags.  Within minutes he apologized for his behavior and tried befriending me.  A sincere apology was like water on his angry fire.

Why Victims are Dangerous

The scary thing about a victim is that they WANT to see you hurt.  They don’t care if you are badly hurt or sometimes even killed.  Hurting people, hurt people.  They feel angry and want to take it out on you.

How do you stop somone who is trying to emotionally hurt you? De-escalate the situation by using a humble apology.  Find something that you can apologize for and say “I’m sorry”.

Apologizing doesn’t guarantee that your aggressor or will like you or that they will stop.  Remember though, it is VERY hard to continue being mean to someone who is humble, honest, and kind.

Ten Words to Resolve a Conflict

The next time someone is hurt by you remember these ten words…
Are you mad at me?  I am sorry for that.