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What Role Does Resilience Play in Bullying?

by | Mar 11, 2023 | Uncategorized

Man walking through rain with umbrella

Is Bullying Getting Worse?

While on tour, I was recently interviewed by a Nebraska news station. I’ve been interviewed by TV news stations before. They all usually ask the same questions: Why did you start doing this? How is your message different than the normal “anti-bullying” messages, etc. But, this reporter asked me a question that almost stumped me. I had to think for a second before I gave my response. 

“You talk a lot about your story and what you went through as a kid. Do you think there is more bullying now than there was 20 years ago?”

My first thought was, “Of course. That’s why I’m out here doing what I’m doing.” Luckily for me, marriage has taught me to have a filter between my initial thoughts and actually speaking. So I thought for a moment.

Why is Resilience Important?

I imagine that my brain during this brief second would have looked like this: The hamster waking up like a lethargic teenager, flipping on the coffee, pouring a cup, taking a sip, getting on the wheel, walking around the wheel, which slowly beings turning the gears, jogging the memories of as many experiences as I can recall. It was almost like finally getting your old VCR to work and then having to adjust the tracking to get those annoying silver lines off of the screen. But, after everything was running properly, I was watching a lightning fast movie of the last 20 years of my student life, teaching experiences in the classroom and my travels to schools all over this country. After reviewing all of the footage in my head, here was my response:

Is bullying the same as it was 20 years ago?

I don’t think so. There have always been mean kids and mean people. There has always been teasing, name-calling, mean jokes, pushing and shoving, rumors and exclusion. We see those things today just like we saw them on the playground and in the hallways growing up. Some kids do it and some kids don’t. So no, I don’t think there’s more bullying. However, the climate is different now. I have found that people are less resilient nowadays. Kids are reporting mean behavior more than ever before because they don’t know how to handle it properly. So, with the decrease in resilience and the increase in reporting, it seems like there is more, but based on my experience and in my opinion, there is not.

A very wise and wealthy man once told me that, as long as you preface something with “in my opinion” or “based on my experience”, you can say almost anything you want. I get what he meant. My statement was a bold one. Some may even say that they disagree, and they have a right to. That’s fine. But, again, based on my experience and in my opinion, I do not think there has been an increase in bullying.

At this, many will shout, “But, then why do we hear about all of these kids who are killing themselves and others because of bullying?! It seems like it’s getting worse!”

I agree. It does seem like that, absolutely. But, consider that first question: “Why do we hear about…?” One word: Media. I’m not saying I’m anti-media. Let’s not play politics. But, I will say that the media (on both sides) does a great job of somehow leaving out a great deal of positive news and focusing on the negative that gets people’s attention. If it bleeds, it reads. The reason you hear so much about bullying and its consequences is because that’s all you’re fed. That’s all that is put out there. Rarely do we hear about the millions of kind acts that happen on a daily basis in schools all over the country. Rarely do we ever hear about all of the resilient kids who are not effected by mean behavior. Nope. We only hear about the ONE kid that decided to make a horrible decision because of the negativity in their life.

I’m not downplaying it by any means. Yes, it is a shame that these things happen. But, because that’s all we hear about, and with the way people tend to think, one single negative bullying story automatically turns millions of people into social-emotional experts with a Ph.D. in bullying.

Is a lack of resilience feeding the bullying problem?

So, yes, it does seem like there is more bullying. But, are we doing it to ourselves? Kind of. Think about it. (I’ll elaborate more on this point in my forthcoming book, The Big, Bad “B” Word.) If you look at how the definition of “bullying” has been packaged lately, plus what kids are generally being taught in school about how to handle mean behavior, plus a decrease in people’s resilience, plus the lack of training that teachers and staff actually get on the subject, you have a recipe for disaster.

Kids are believing that any mean behavior is “bullying.” (Including something as small as sticking their tongue out and making faces.) Kids are told to report any and all mean behavior. So, they do! And now, they’re reporting it at a rate that has never been seen before.

The lack of resilience in people everywhere is astounding. All you have to do is turn on the TV for two minutes and it becomes evident that people (adults and children alike) are offended much easier than ever before. Unfortunately, that is spilling over into our children and in our schools. They don’t know how to handle the negativity of life, including the mean behavior of others. (Obviously, I’m not talking about everyone, but everyone can think of at least one person who fits this profile.)

The result? All of the mean behaviors are taken personally, blown up and documented as bullying incidents. So, it’s easy to think that things are getting worse.

But, don’t freak out. I can’t tell you how many teachers, counselors and administration that I have talked to that have all told me the same thing in more or less words: “There is no bullying problem. There’s a resilience problem.” Resilient kids are bully-proof.

There have always been mean people. There will always be mean people. Not everyone. Not everywhere. Not every time. But, there will always be that one person. How do you win?

Resilience.

About the Author: Chris Scheufele is one of the most sought-after youth speakers in the United States. He’s a comedian with a license to teach. With more than a decade in the classroom, Chris has developed clever interventions that resolve conflicts instantly and promote a culture of resilience.  He makes social emotional learning fun! His entertaining and educational programs have been recognized by educators nationwide, and have earned him several awards including “Teacher Of The Year”.

Are Schools Bullying Policies Effective?

by | Feb 25, 2023 | Interviews, Parenting Advice, Teaching Advice, Uncategorized

Binder labeled "Protocols"

Is school bullying protocol always the correct thing to follow?

Protocol noun pro·to·col \\\\\\\\ ˈprō-tə-ˌkȯl , -ˌkōl , -ˌkäl , -kəl \\\\\\\\: a : a code prescribing strict adherence to correct etiquette and procedure

Is protocol always the correct thing to follow? In most cases, yes. But in some cases, I think a case can be made that it’s ok to stretch the following of protocol. A conversation with a guidance counselor a while back proved this. She was telling me about a student that had been the victim of targeted aggression (bullying) and how furious the student’s mother was that the school wasn’t doing anything. (Typical parent response, by the way.) Here’s the convo: 

Me: What did you do? What action did the school take? 

Guidance Counselor (GC): We called the alleged offenders into the office and interviewed them. We reminded them about our school’s bullying policy and gave them each one day of in-school-suspension.

Me: Did that work? 

GC: No. It just created more animosity between all those kiddos involved. And, on top of that, now the ones who got in trouble hate me. They’re supposed to trust me as their counselor.

Me: What did they say when you interviewed them? 

GC: The usual. “We were just kidding.” “We didn’t mean it.” “{Victimized student} did stuff to us first.” It’s so hard to pin down what’s true and what’s not. 

Me: Did you do anything to help the victimized student? 

GC: I gave her some tips. I told her she didn’t have to take the insults to heart. I even role played with her on how to interact with those other kids if they give her trouble again. I showed her how her reactions were actually making things worse. I showed her how resilience and a little respect could go a long way, even in the face of those who hate her. 

Me: Is that part of the school’s bullying policy protocol? 

GC: No. The protocol just pretty much focuses on getting the bully to stop being mean and reprimanding the poor behavior. But, Chris, I could not, in good conscience, just handle one side of the equation. These kids just don’t know how to handle adversity. 

 

Girl speaking with counselor

Me: Why do you think that is? 

GC: Honestly? Because they’re not being taught. The focus of schools is punishing the offender and we’re leaving the victims out to dry. They need to be taught how to properly handle themselves in bad situations. And what’s worse, Chris, is that we tell them to run and tell an adult, but many adults are just as clueless as to how to actually help them. 

Me: So why was the student’s mother so furious?

GC: Because the usual solutions weren’t working to solve the problem. The mindset of everyone is all about stopping mean behavior, but they don’t talk about the fact that there will always be mean people and that the most important thing is to teach kids how to deal with those difficult people. Resilience isn’t anymore – parents aren’t teaching resilience anymore – and these kids are suffering because of it. They get their feelings hurt at the smallest things. Somebody’s got to teach them. Somebody’s got to help them.

Me: What did you do? What action did the school take? 

Guidance Counselor (GC): We called the alleged offenders into the office and interviewed them. We reminded them about our school’s bullying policy and gave them each one day of in-school-suspension.

Me: Did that work? 

GC: No. It just created more animosity between all those kiddos involved. And, on top of that, now the ones who got in trouble hate me. They’re supposed to trust me as their counselor.

Me: What did they say when you interviewed them? 

GC: The usual. “We were just kidding.” “We didn’t mean it.” “{Victimized student} did stuff to us first.” It’s so hard to pin down what’s true and what’s not. 

Me: Did you do anything to help the victimized student? 

GC: I gave her some tips. I told her she didn’t have to take the insults to heart. I even role played with her on how to interact with those other kids if they give her trouble again. I showed her how her reactions were actually making things worse. I showed her how resilience and a little respect could go a long way, even in the face of those who hate her.

Me: Why do you think that is? 

GC: Honestly? Because they’re not being taught. The focus of schools is punishing the offender and we’re leaving the victims out to dry. They need to be taught how to properly handle themselves in bad situations. And what’s worse, Chris, is that we tell them to run and tell an adult, but many adults are just as clueless as to how to actually help them. 

Me: So why was the student’s mother so furious?

GC: Because the usual solutions weren’t working to solve the problem. The mindset of everyone is all about stopping mean behavior, but they don’t talk about the fact that there will always be mean people and that the most important thing is to teach kids how to deal with those difficult people. Resilience isn’t anymore – parents aren’t teaching resilience anymore – and these kids are suffering because of it. They get their feelings hurt at the smallest things. Somebody’s got to teach them. Somebody’s got to help them.

Me: Why doesn’t the school do more for resilience, social emotional learning and how to help students deal with conflict? 

GC: I wish I knew. But, they are missing the obvious solution right in front of their faces. These policies are written by people who have little to no experience with kids, or who have been removed from the classroom environment for so long they have forgotten what kids need. They’re more worried about test scores and staying out of the news than anything else. But they’re missing the point that a kiddo can’t perform well on a test if they are having trouble dealing with their social emotional issues. 

Me: Have you gotten any backlash for your methods? 

GC: No. And honestly, I wouldn’t care if I did because I know I’m doing what’s best for the kiddos. I’m filling in the gaps where protocol is majorly lacking.

What happened to the targeted student?

This counselor knew that the standard bullying protocol was missing something. She knew what was right for her students; which is what she gets underpaid for, right? 

So what happened to the targeted student? She learned coping skills. She learned how to respond to her haters rather than react. Her haters saw that she wasn’t affected by their insults anymore. Mom isn’t furious, in fact she’s happy that the school finally did something right. 

The counselor? Just another day at the office. But thank goodness she took it upon herself to go above and beyond and teach the student psychologically proven methods; methods that the school overlooked in favor of a failing zero tolerance, discipline-only policy that leaves victims searching for answers and wondering who cares and who is listening. 

Sometimes we need to just say, “Protocol…shmotocol.”

About the Author: Chris Scheufele is one of the most sought-after youth speakers in the United States. He’s a comedian with a license to teach. With more than a decade in the classroom, Chris has developed clever interventions that resolve conflicts instantly and promote a culture of resilience.  He makes social emotional learning fun! His entertaining and educational programs have been recognized by educators nationwide, and have earned him several awards including “Teacher Of The Year”.

I Dare You

by | Feb 6, 2023 | Uncategorized

A Small Gesture Can Make A Big Impact

If there’s one restaurant I don’t visit enough, it’s Cracker Barrel. There’s just something about it that I love. Ok…there’s quite a few things about Cracker Barrel that I love. The family atmosphere. The old country vibe. That addicting, yet frustrating, golf tee game. And, of course, the food. It had been quite a few years since I visited a Cracker Barrel until I visited the quaint little town of Cumberland, Maryland. I forgot how much food you get for your money. I got the sampler platter: sugar cured ham, chicken and dumplings, roast beef, broccoli, a sweet potato, fruit cup, and corn bread. Shoof, did you eat it all? Welp, for some reason, running my mouth for a living makes me hungry, so…yes. I absolutely D-E-S-T-R-O-Y-E-D every last bite of that amazing meal. No, this isn’t an advertisement for Cracker Barrel and I’m sorry if it’s making you hungry. So, before my dad loses his mind with my seemingly mindless rant about home cookin’, let me pivot to get to my point.

The Impact of Connecting with Others

While I was sitting in the restaurant eating, I looked up and saw a lady who was also eating by herself. She appeared to be in her early 60’s, a slightly stout with neatly-styled, short, curly hair. She was wearing a jacket over a blue nurse’s scrub shirt with cute little multi-colored squiggles. We caught each other’s eyes once or twice, but we both played it off as the old, “Oh, I’m just looking around the room.” I’ve always kind of felt bad for people who eat alone in restaurants. You just never know their stories, but I’m always so curious as to what their stories are. Are they there on business? Are they alone all the time? Are they ok with eating alone? 

As I finished my food, the apparent nurse was in the middle of her meal. I grabbed my sweet berry iced tea and my check, got up and walked over to her table. “Excuse me,” I said. “Do you mind if I sit down for a minute?” Taken aback, she held her hand up to her mouth to hid her chewing and mumbled, “Sure, I don’t care.” I sat down and said, “I don’t know what it is, but I hate to see people eat alone.” She smiled. “What’s your name?” I asked. “Nancy.” “Nancy, I’m Chris. Nice to meet you.” We shook hands. For the next 5 minutes or so, I learned that Nancy is a home health nurse who has moved from Maryland to Virginia and back over the last number of years. For so long, she was a nurse in a cancer wing of a hospital and loved it, but she got burned out after doing it for so long. So she became a home health nurse in the latter years of her career. We had a great conversation. She was such a sweet lady. I didn’t want to overstay my welcome, so after chatting for a few minutes, I let her finish her meal in peace.

Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone

I want to challenge you to do something. Actually, no. I dare you. Next time you are in a restaurant, alone or with others, and you see someone sitting alone, either invite them to sit with you, or go sit with them. I dare you. It doesn’t have to be for the whole meal. It can be. Either way, just let them know that they are noticed. I dare you. Everyone has a story. Find out theirs. I dare you. If they don’t want company, it’s ok. But, just ask. I dare you. Get out of your comfort zone. I dare you. You never know what that little gesture will do for someone. I dare you.

About the Author: Chris Scheufele is one of the most sought-after youth speakers in the United States. He’s a comedian with a license to teach. With more than a decade in the classroom, Chris has developed clever interventions that resolve conflicts instantly and promote a culture of resilience.  He makes social emotional learning fun! His entertaining and educational programs have been recognized by educators nationwide, and have earned him several awards including “Teacher Of The Year”.

Setting High Expectations for Kids

by | Feb 6, 2023 | Parenting Advice

Setting Standards by Example

My palms were sweating. My toes scrunched up in my shoes. My thoughts were racing. “How does my hair look? Is my tie straight? Do I have any lint on my sport coat?” I hadn’t been on a date since before I was married, and I didn’t want to mess it up. I wanted things to be just right. 

As I got out of my car and walked to the door, I was fighting the urge of picturing how she was going to look. I knew that no matter what I pictured in my mind’s eye, it wouldn’t even come close. Once I stepped up on the porch, I opened the screen door and knocked on the front door. Quickly, I looked at my reflection in the glass one more time to make sure that I looked up to par. 

The door opened and standing there was not what I had expected at all. A young boy, 4 years old with a backwards hat and sunglasses, met my gaze. He fought back giggles as he said, “What do you want, punk?” I thought to myself, “I like this kid a lot.” 

His mother let me in and I stood in the living room waiting. She called for my date. I began to hear shoes clunking across the hardwood floor, making their way towards the room. I looked up and saw the most beautiful young lady. 

Her blonde hair was laying gently just above her shoulders with some curls and a white bow in the back. Her purple dress was nicely accented by a little black sweater. And her smile… While it was missing some teeth at the time, I melted. (What do you expect? She was 7.) I put a flower corsage on her wrist and asked if she was ready for our date. We posed for some pictures and off we went.

The Importance of Intentional Time with our Kids

When I became a dad, I knew that I wanted my kids to be as ready as possible for life. I think every parent wants to make sure that their kids grow up and marry someone who is respectable, loving, responsible and has shared values. The best way I know to accomplish this is to teach them how to date. I wish I could take credit for this idea, but, alas, I can’t. However, I decided to make it my own and run with it. 

When my oldest daughter turned 7, I felt she was ready. So, on her birthday, I took her on our first daddy-daughter date. I treated her like a princess. We got all dressed up. I let her pick the restaurant. I paid. I opened doors for her. I pulled chairs out and pushed them in when she sat down. I gave her a wrist corsage. I complimented her. I made sure she saw, experienced, and understood what a date should be like. I made sure she knew what it was like to be respected by someone who was trying to win her heart. 

After dinner, we took an aimless drive around town. I used that time to ask her things like, “What kind of dad am I? If you could change anything about me, what would it be? What’s your favorite part about being a big sister?” 

We had an amazing night. And you know what? I did it again this year when she turned 8. In fact, as her birthday neared, she must have asked me 100 times if we were going on another date. So, you better believe we did. And I’m going to continue to do it every single year until she gets married…when she’s 40. And I’m going to do it with her baby sister, too, when she’s old enough. And my wife is going to take our son on dates when he is old enough, as well. 

Why? 

There’s an ancient Jewish proverb that says, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” There’s a reason that proverb has survived for thousands of years. 

 

The importance of good examples for our kids

 My advice – take it or leave it – Dads, date your daughters. Moms, date your sons. Set that bar so high that only the right person will ever stand a chance with them. If there’s an absent male parental figure in your daughter’s life, find one to date her. An uncle, a grandfather, a close friend. Get a trusted, positive male role model to make this important tradition happen. If there’s an absent female parental figure in your son’s life, find one to date him. An aunt, a grandmother, a close friend. Get a trusted, positive female role model to make this important tradition happen. Train up your children in the way they should go. Teach them early and often. Engrain it. Instill it. Have fun with it. They won’t forget it, and they won’t depart from it.

About the Author: Chris Scheufele is one of the most sought-after youth speakers in the United States. He’s a comedian with a license to teach. With more than a decade in the classroom, Chris has developed clever interventions that resolve conflicts instantly and promote a culture of resilience.  He makes social emotional learning fun! His entertaining and educational programs have been recognized by educators nationwide, and have earned him several awards including “Teacher Of The Year”.

How to Make Friends

by | Feb 6, 2023 | Parenting Advice, Teaching Advice

I was grocery shopping with my daughter recently. She loves to help me pick out fruit. Well, actually, she likes to tear the plastic produce bags off of the roll and shake them violently so they open up and float through the air. Then, she wants to tie them with the little green twisty ties. Me, I’m a guy. What do I do? I hold the bag up, spin it as fast as I can, and tuck it under the fruit as I set it in the cart. After we finished our trip around the store, we made our way to the register to check out. As usual, my daughter helped put all of the items on the belt and then waited patiently at the bagging area for a sticker. The cashier told me the total, I paid, loaded my bags into the cart and turned to get my receipt. She told me the amount I had “saved” and thanked me for shopping at the store. I took the receipt from her, smiled and said, “Thank you, my friend.” As we were walking away, my daughter asked, “Daddy? Is that girl your friend?” “No,” I chuckled. “Then why did you call her your friend?” 

How do you address people?

How do you address people? Ma’am? Sir? Dude? I don’t mean your family or close friends. I call my close friends things like dude, bro, chica, and more familiar terms. I’m talking about strangers or acquaintances. How do you address them? 

The more I deal with people – strangers and acquaintances – the more I find that how you address them right off the bat determines how they treat you from then on. 

It’s the most basic form of the GOLDEN RULE in real life practice! And I know we all know the Golden Rule: Treat others the way you want to be treated.

Girl and boy shaking hands

Friend or Enemy?

It’s obvious that nobody wants more enemies, so treat them like a friend. Whenever we meet someone new, it’s normal to say hello, exchange pleasantries, and drop a “ma’am” or “sir.” But consider this. At some point in every conversation, I address everyone as “friend.” Old, young, rich, poor…it doesn’t matter. I want everyone to know that I want to be friendly toward them. Sure my actions, other words and tone show it, but it goes deeper than that. It surprises them. It takes them off guard. It’s not the norm.

When I take that brief second and call them a friend, it psychologically and subconsciously works as well…in my favor! Deep down they know that I’m friendly. Deep down they know that I will treat them like a friend. Which means that deep down they are going to be friendly toward me, too. 

Every time I call someone “friend,” the next interaction is always positive. I’ve actually created many great, lasting friendships that way, all starting from addressing someone with a single word. 

What’s your address, friend?