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Why Zero-Tolerance Policies Make Bullying Worse

by | Mar 10, 2017 | Articles/Interviews, Bullying Prevention, Teaching Advice

As I hear from educators and parents about bullying, many of them tell me that schools need to do better by focusing their efforts on “common sense strategies” like Zero Tolerance Policies in their anti-bullying programs which encourage students to report all incidents.  They seem certain that the only way that we can stop the bullies is to “teach them a lesson” by punishing them for their bad behavior.  Surely this will improve the education system, right?

To date, millions of dollars have been spent on anti-bullying programs that teach students to report each and every bullying incident that they see on their campus to the authorities because their school is a “bully-free zone”.  The question is, “Have these programs worked?”  Sadly, the answer is no.  A recent study by the University of Arlington in Texas shows that these anti-bullying programs have actually made the problem worse.

Unfortunately research and the U.S. Department of Education have shared that one of the worst things that schools can do is establish a Zero Tolerance policy.  It may seem like common sense.  While these policies are all too “common” they simply don’t make sense.

Zero Tolerance Policies…

  • Create a policy around the lie that adults can maintain a “no-bully” environment. Our schools can become much better but they will never be perfect. We will always have haters because you can’t force people to be nice. Aristotle proved that “Government cannot enforce morality”.
  • Position principals and teachers as the enforcers, taking a legalistic approach rather than a psychological approach to solving social conflict.
  • Treat acts of bullying as crimes rather than a negative use of freedom of speech.
  • Result in consequences that do not fit the act (i.e. a student suspended from school for simply calling someone an idiot.
  • Create the expectation that it’s the job of authority figures to solve student’s social problems.
  • Pins parents and school staff against each other as parents hold teachers and administrators responsible for the behavior of other students (which they only have the power to influence, not control).
  • Causes students to decrease reporting.
  • Drives bullying behavior underground and often online creating new problems with cyberbullying.
  • Punishes those that bully which is proven to increase their feelings of victimization and perpetuate negative behavior.
  • Fail to equip or empower the victim but rather tries to control the environment around the victim by stopping the “bully”.

Trying to eliminate bullies from our schools and society as a whole is a futile task.  The reality is that our students must learn how to respond to people that are difficult, hateful, and hurtful in order to be successful in life.  While bullying can be very frustrating for students it also presents an opportunity to learn important social skills and build resilience.

My free video training for parents and educators, school assembly program teaches students proven social skills that empower them to solve their own social problems.  The result is that students grow in the areas of self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence.

* Information in this article are based on research from the U.S. Department of Education, www.stopbullying.gov, and the University of Arlington.

How to Deal with Rumors

by | Mar 6, 2017 | Blog

How to Deal with Rumors

by Jeff Veley | Love Changes It All

As someone who travels across the country each year speaking to students, parents, and educators about bullying, I often hear the question… Jeff, how do you deal with someone spreading a rumor about you?  If your child is struggling with this issue, share this advice with them.

Rumors seem to be a really tricky thing to respond to.  After all, with the internet, a simple rumor can quickly get out of hand spreading from the cafeteria at  school to the web where it can reach hundreds or thousands of people.  While we often get caught up in the damage that a rumor can do to someone’s reputation we must first look at the goal of this negative behavior.

Someone that is spreading a rumor has two main goals…
1. To make the target upset
2. To gain attention from others

If we know the motives, we can craft a response that will stop the behavior.  Follow these steps to suffocate the rumor.

1. Don’t Get Upset

Getting angry only makes those spreading the rumors look like winners and you look like a loser.  If you get upset and lash out or try and argue about whether or not the rumor is true, you will immediately be seen as the weaker person.

It doesn’t matter what they say.  What matters much more is how you deal with it.  When you stay calm and choose not to get upset, the person making fun of you will realize that they cannot upset you.  They may try to spread more rumors in an effort to make you mad but once they see that they can’t hurt you, it won’t be any fun for them.  As a result, they will stop or move onto someone else who will give them a reaction.

2. Ask a Clear Question When Confronted

It’s likely that the rumor being spread will get back to the person that it’s targeted to. People will want to know whether or not you’ve heard the rumor that’s being spread about you.  Usually someone will approach you and ask you if it is true or not.  When they do, you have an opportunity to change their opinion of you.  Remember, you cannot control what they think about you or if they spread the rumor.  It’s a waste of your time to even try. Haters are gonna hate.

When they ask you about the rumor, say this…
“Do you believe it?”

Asking someone if they believe a rumor will make them think.   They may be caught up the emotion.  Your question will make them stop and really think about what they believe.

No matter what they say, respond with…
“Well, you can believe whatever you want, it’s a free country.  People say all sorts of things.  I don’t really pay attention to it.”

If this person’s goal is to upset you, your response will show them that you don’t really care what others say.  It also lets them know that if they spread the rumor they are only wasting their time.  You aren’t going to try to stop them or change their view about you.  Treat this person like a friend, no matter how they treat you.  When they see how strong you are (despite what others are saying) they will likely form their own opinion about you.

Love is not easily angered

This article is based on the philosophical theories of Izzy Kalman, NCSP who has devoted his career to helping solve the bullying problem through the use of the Golden Rule.  Izzy is a brilliant thinker.  You can learn more about Izzy’s program here.

Dealing with Bullying Based on Race, Religion and Sexual Orientation

by | Mar 3, 2017 | Articles/Interviews, Blog

How to Deal with Prejudicial Bullying

by Jeff Veley | Love Changes It All

It’s the kind of mistreatment that often cuts you to the core… being picked on for who you are and what you believe can be an incredibly painful experience.  Not only do you feel singled out and made fun of but you also feel that the group you identify the most with is under attack.  In a society that is emotionally charged with bigotry and prejudices, being bullied based on your race, religious beliefs, and/or sexual orientation seems to be at an all time high.  No one deserves to be mistreated.  Here are a few tips on how you can peacefully respond if someone verbally attacks you because of prejudice.

How Do We Stop Prejudicial Bullying?

1. Identify Whether Actions are Bullying or Criminal Behavior

It is important to draw a line between bullying and criminal behavior.  Bullying is behavior that is meant to assume a dominate position over someone by hurting their feelings.  Criminal behavior aims to harm someone’s body, property, and can often include certain discriminatory actions.  For example, discriminating someone based on their of their race, religion, or sexual orientation is clearly against the law when related to a persons’ education, work, and place of living.

When prejudicial behavior crosses this legal line, legal action should be taken.  We all have basic human rights and many are protected by the law to a certain degree.  The word “bullying” often makes this conversation more confusing.  For the sake of this article, I will focus on behavior aimed at hurting someone’s feelings by putting down their identity and/or beliefs so that you can learn how to protect your feelings and respond.

2. Seek to Understand the Thinking Behind the Behavior

You may have heard the phrase “All behavior is motivated.”  People typically have a ‘reason’ why they act the way they do.  It’s the “thing behind the thing”.  What we don’t talk out we typically act out.  This thinking can be conscious or unconscious.  Prejudicial thinking is formed by a person’s experiences, whether real or fictional.  You might say that you aren’t prejudiced but the truth is that you are.  None of us are exempt from having prejudices.  We all hold them because of the positive and negative experiences with different people groups.  Prejudicial thinking often involves stereotypes.  We associate certain people or people groups with certain negative experiences.

Just for a moment, think of the first two words that come to mind when you read the following.  Don’t ‘edit’ yourself.  Simply go with the first word that comes to mind.

  • Criminal
  • Gay
  • Woman
  • Black Man
  • White Man
  • Husband
  • Wife

Simple word associations like this often reveal stereotypes and prejudicial thinking that has infiltrated our minds.  It comes from real people that we encounter, stories shared by family and friends, and the media.  It is likely that a person who attacks you based on the group you identify with is not reacting to you alone but rather associating something about you with a negative belief that they have about the group that you are a part of.  As with most things, there are exceptions.  Not everyone that is mean to you is a racist, bigot, etc.  You may have done something to offend them or perhaps they don’t like you for another reason.  Don’t put them into a box for how they act (after all, you don’t want them to treat you that way).

You must also understand that your beliefs and/or lifestyle may conflict with the beliefs and lifestyle of someone else.  Sexual orientation is often seen as controversial because many religions like Christianity and Islam clearly forbid it.  Despite the legalization of gay-marriage in the United States, many still hold to their religious convictions over the law of the land

 

3. Use the Peace Sign

 

Step 1. Don’t Get Upset

Getting angry when someone mistreats you is never helpful.  Don’t believe the ‘Anger Illusion’ that tells you that you’re winning when you are mad.  It’s a trap that often makes you look weak, foolish, and defensive.  The best way to deal with a hostile person is to remain calm.

In regards to prejudicial behavior, getting angry with someone who mistreats you often reinforces their pre-conceived negative views about you and your group.  Remember that you hold prejudices too.  Getting angry that they think this way is hypocritical.  When you remain calm it gives no fuel to the fire started by the other party.

2. Treat Them Like a Friend

The greatest strategy to deal with someone to treats you badly is to treat them like a friend.  Responding with kindness to a prejudicial person starts to chip away at the negative beliefs that they hold about you.  It may even help them begin to see you and people like you in a different light for the first time.  When someone displays bigotry see it as an opportunity to give them a different experience than they’ve had before.

By acting like a friend you might just open a window for future dialogue which can deepen understanding and foster compassion and acceptance.  As Abraham Lincoln once said, “Do I not destroy my enemy when I make him my friend?”  Respond as a friend and watch how love changes it all.  When you don’t give the person a reason to be mad at you they will often find them self confused and quickly questioning their own behavior.

 

Examples of Peace Sign Dialogue for Prejudicial Bullying

(Unfortunately the following examples are real and come from individuals that I care about and have had the pleasure of meeting in my work.  The responses in this article are extremely simple but can still be powerful in escalating aggressive behavior.)

 

Bullying Based on Religion

Aggressor:  “All of you Muslims are terrorists.  Why don’t you go back where you came from?”

Typical Response
“Shut up!  I have the same right to be here that you do.”

Peace Sign Response
“It’s really sad that terrorists have killed people in the name of our religion.  I would never hurt anyone.  It makes me sad that people see someone like me and think of those terrible things that have happened.  I hope that I can change that by being loving to others but I know that some people may not give me a chance.”

 

Bullying Based on Sexual Orientation

Aggressor:  “I heard that you’re gay.  Dude, that is so gross!”

Typical Response
“I have the right to love whoever I want.  You are a jerk!”

Peace Sign Response
“You can believe whatever you’d like about me.  I’m not going to try and change your mind.  I believe that everyone should be treated with respect so know that I’ll never disrespect you.”

 

Bullying Based on Race

Aggressor:  “It’s just a fact.  Black people just aren’t as smart as white people.”

Typical Response
“Yes they are.  You are so racist!”

Peace Sign Response
“There are many African Americans in this country that are extremely intelligent, have worked hard, and achieved great things.  If it were true that black people were stupid we wouldn’t have black doctors, attorneys, teachers, and CEO’s.  You may want to ask why you believe that and what kind of person you pictured in your mind when you said that.  Do you think all “black people” look/act this way?”

 

Love is not easily angered

Jeff Veley is a bullying expert, radio host, and World Peace Ambassador.  Jeff has received a Diversity Award for his efforts in reaching and including all people through culturally relevant and inclusive positive youth development programs.  His program promotes peace, civility with the core belief that we should be friendly, extending respect and love to everyone, even if we’re different.